A Slow Descent
by Fractured Dreams
Summary: There are no grey areas in this life. There is only life and death, and those that govern both. Kurosaki Ichigo knows death better than he knows himself. Yaoi Byakuya x Ichigo OC, slightly AU. Follows after Soul Society arch.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** A Slow Descent

**Disclaimer**: I don't own the characters or concepts of Bleach. They belong to their rightful owner and i make no profit from this work of fiction

**Warnings:** Violence, Angst, swearing, Yaoi (Byakuya x Ichigo)

**Authors Note:** I'm re-watching the entire series of bleach, and inspiration struck me for this story like a bolt of lightning. It follows after the soul society arch and branches off into a bit of an AU. It's probably angst ridden, as that seems to be all i can write, and i hope you enjoy it! First Bleach story, so I hope everything fits and makes sense. Reviews, comments and suggestions are always welcome, but abuse will be ignored. This is just the prologue, the first chapter will follow shortly.

Lyrics are from Linkin Parks' "Shadow of the Day".

* * *

Prologue

-

_And the shadow of the day_

_Will embrace the world in grey_

_- _

Awareness struck him like a sudden blow to the head.

The first thing Ichigo realized was that he was no longer in his body. He had changed to Shingami form, like countless times before, but something was different. Then he saw the blood.

So much blood...and there was his father, and Yuzu and Karen. All coated in glistening red. It was everywhere. Coated on the walls, spreading across the floor like a crimson flood, turning what had once been a home into a scene of slaughter.

Stunned into numbness, Ichigo turned around and staggered backwards, stumbling into the wall and sliding down it with an open mouth. A scream was tearing at his throat, trying to escape, to get out but his throat wasn't working. His stomach was rolling painfully and blood pounded in his ears, louder than anything else, drowning out even his thought

His body lay there, slashed beyond recognition and staring up at the ceiling blankly.

He was dead.

Ichigo didn't know how long he stood there for, unable to move or scream or even cry as his world crashed down around his ears. It was all gone. Everything he had fought to protect, his family, his very life.

It wasn't supposed to end like this. Karen was going to become a world famous soccer player. Yuzu was going to be somebody's wife, and have children. It didn't make any sense.

Why was he still there? He was a death god instead of a ghost.

He tried to summon the energy to cry or scream or do anything but nothing came to him. Ichigo felt as weak as a kitten. But he kept breathing, and his heart kept beating as he sat there and stared helpless and heartbroken at the bodies of his family.

Pale moonlight shone through the open window and fell upon Yuzu's shiny hair. Blood-soaked now, he realized. Everything was covered in blood.

What had happened? Ichigo tried to remember, but all that came to him was a blank emptiness. Had it been a hollow? A human?

It didn't make any sense. How could someone be there one moment, breathing and living as people did and then all of a sudden be gone? How could he be dead?

Suddenly, his death god senses flared to life, and across the room he was looking at Renji and Rukia. Hell butterflies fluttered away into nothing as he met their eyes.

Rukia's gasp of horror fell heavily on his heart, renewing an ache he hadn't realized was there.

They ventured forward, looking around at the scene with solemn, serious faces. Ichigo wanted to be angry. He wanted to rage, and scream and tear the place down. But his body wasn't obeying his thoughts for once, and he stayed where he was sitting, looking on hollow-eyed as Rukia knelt by Yuzu and touched her cheek sadly, saying some sort of prayer over his fallen sister.

Renji was standing in front of him now, looking down upon him with none of his usual brash words or raging charisma. Ichigo stared up at him blankly, trying to think of something to say. But there wasn't anything that could be said to change the way things were. No words would bring back his family, or his life.

He should have known that this would be the result of his actions. His family had been ruthlessly slaughtered, and although he couldn't remember how or why, he knew instinctively that on some level it was his fault.

"Come on, Ichigo. It's time for us to leave." Renji spoke quietly, but his words seemed to ring out in the darkness of his house.

Everything was dull, muted somehow in a way they had never been and Renji's words were like an anvil to his chest.

"We have to get you back to Soul Society. It's dangerous for you here."

Ichigo didn't understand how that could be possible when he was already dead, but he obeyed wordlessly. Using the wall, he pulled himself upright and swayed unsteadily. His body felt heavy, like he was swimming underwater with weights attached to his limbs.

He shook off Rukia's helping hands and staggered forward a few steps before his legs gave out. He collapsed forward onto Renji, but the red haired lieutenant caught him and pulled one of his arms over his shoulders with little fuss.

Ichigo couldn't breathe. He felt a wave of exhaustion and an indefinable ache roll over him, and he sagged even further against Renji.

He wasn't aware of the doors to Soul Society appearing and opening before them. He didn't raise his head as Renji pulled him through, and he didn't blink at the sudden brightness of the other realm.

Ichigo could hear voices around him talking, but the words were like nonsense to him. He felt as if someone had stuffed his head with cotton wool.

They were dead. All of them were dead. Even if he couldn't see their blood on his hands, he knew it was there, felt it was there. It was a stain he would never get rid of. He had to atone for their deaths because he should have protected them better than he had. Because of his laxness, or his foolish stubbornness, or both, his family was dead. And so was he.

Ichigo was dead.

-

_Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple  
Sometimes good bye's the only way_


	2. Awakening

**Disclaimer:** The characters and concepts of Bleach belong to their rightful owners. I make no profit from this work of fiction

**Warnings:** Angst, swearing, Yaoi (Byakuya x Ichigo), OCC

**Author's Note: **Short first chapter, I know, but I'm still sussing out the finer details of this story, and am easing into writing in this new fandom! Hope you'll continue to enjoy this, and let me know what you're thinking. You should also know that some of the things in this story are make believe. See if you can guess which parts...; )

Lyrics are from R.E.M's "The Outsiders"

* * *

Part One: _Awakening_

_I tried to tell you I'm not afraid_

_You looked up and saw it all across my face_

_So am I with you, or am I against?_

_I don't think it's that easy_

_We're lost in regret_

Ichigo couldn't remember where he was when he first woke up. All around him, he could feel pulsing reiatsu's, throbbing and pounding away like a painful headache.

Groaning, he sat up, and looked around. He was lying in soft bed in the middle of a traditional Japanese room. His confusion was like a thick, fuzzy blanket resting about his shoulders.

Where the fuck was he?

He frowned at he looked around, puzzled at the blankness in his mind as he struggled to remember when he had last been awake. Why the hell did his body feel so heavy?

Ichigo looked around the room, freezing when he saw his death god clothes folded neatly beside his bed with Zangastu lying beside them. He was in Soul Society then. Why was he in Soul Society?

Because he was dead.

That realisation hit him like a bolt of lightning. He was dead. He'd been murdered by someone he couldn't remember, and he didn't even know why. He was one of the strongest shinigami around, captain class at least even if he didn't hold the official title, and he'd been murdered. His life had been taken away forcefully. No one had ever been able to make him do anything he didn't want to, and he'd never let anyone hurt him if he had anything to do with it.

Yet the very breath had been stolen from him, and it felt almost like he had been raped in some way. Violated beyond any recognition of himself.

His body was aching, but his chest in particular was burning like fire. Looking down, he tried to contain his horror at the angry red scars crisscrossing his chest. The most painful by far was the smallest, a stab wound right where his heart lay. Raising a hand that trembled, he rubbed his chest slowly, wincing at the burning sensation.

And his family was gone now. He hoped they had moved on to where they were supposed to be. Their absence and the violence of their deaths made him feel like he was missing a huge chunk of his heart that he would never get back. He would never see them again. He had never gotten the chance to say goodbye.

Ichigo clenched his fists where they lay in his lap. His eyes prickled as tears finally started to threaten. He would never get to see them again, or tell them how much he loved them. He had fought so hard to keep them safe, and they'd been taken from him anyway. Now he'd killed them just as he had his mother. They'd died because they had been associated with him. And it wasn't just his fault. It was his curse.

He was trembling uncontrollably now, as his anger and sorrow clenched his gut painfully. His rage was beyond measure, burning through him like scouring winds and he wanted to strike out at something. He wanted to damage something as he had been damaged, he wanted to tear the place apart with his bare hands and find his family once more.

Ichigo wasn't aware of the room trembling about him.

- - - - - -

Captain Kuchiki Byakuya took another sip of the hot tea Rukia had set before him. He had not missed the way her hands trembled as she had done so, nor the pain in her eyes or the lines around her eyes and mouth that bespoke of the sadness she was carrying. She had known Kurosaki's family, he remembered, and had lived within their household during her tenuous time in the human world. He wondered exactly how well they had gotten along, and decided that if she was this upset, then they had probably been close.

Of course, she was hurting for Ichigo as well, as were most who knew of the tragedy that had occurred two days ago. Byakuya had seen the state Kurosaki had been in when he'd arrived; almost catatonic, and most likely numbed to his core. It wasn't an unusual reaction in those who'd recently died, but he suspected that it had taken a harder toll on the teenager than it would most others. For someone with such a strong reiatsu, and such stubborn determination, the effects of having all his ties to the earthly world severed so abruptly were amplified.

When he had arrived, Byakuya had not hesitated to accept him as a guest in his house. Kurosaki was not only Rukia's close friend and confidant, but he was also a friend of his lieutenant and that was more than enough for him. Besides, he owed Kurosaki a debt he wasn't sure he could repay. Kurosaki Ichigo had granted Byakuya his freedom for the first time in centuries, and he hadn't wasted the chance he'd been granted, no matter how unlikely the source.

"So. What's going to happen to him?" Renji asked, breaking the tense silence.

Byakuya lowered his cup and set it before him calmly. A good question, he thought to himself as he studied his red haired second in command. He still wasn't sure what had made him appoint the impulsive Shinigami as his lieutenant, but he was often glad that he had. The rash and impatient man had warmed to him considerably since the rebellion, and Byakuya was flattered by his desire to, one day, surpass his captain. They got along a lot better now that his relationship with Rukia was solidifying.

"He shall stay here until a more permanent home can be found for him," he replied.

"I meant...What I meant to ask was, he's going to be a shinigami, right? Will he have to go through the same training as we all did?" Renji clarified, although Byakuya had known what he meant.

"Kurosaki's fate is unclear at the moment, but I think that a place can be found for him. Given the level of his strength, I think he definitely has a future there."

"What about replacements for the Divisions without captains?" Rukia ventured after a moment's thoughtful silence.

Byakuya turned his gaze towards her.

"Are you suggesting that he take one of those positions? He's centuries too young. He has no knowledge of what it takes to lead a division, although he is certainly strong enough," Byakuya frowned. "If it were up to me, then I might consider it. But it's not. This matter is out of my hands, and while I will do all I can to aid Kurosaki, I can make no promises to the two of you."

Renji and Ruki looked a little put out by his response, but he felt that no good would come of him making false promises in order to make them feel better. He wouldn't sugar-coat the truth for them, no matter how much he had changed recently. He owed it to them to keep their hopes realistic.

"At the very least, we must apply ourselves to the task of helping Kurosaki deal with the transition between his world and this one." Byakuya continued doing his best to ignore their downcast looks.

Suddenly, the force of a very familiar reiatsu pounded down on his shoulders, and he froze in shock for a moment. He could feel how unstable Kurosaki's power was, could feel the way it ebbed and flowed with the pulse of his rage and sorrow.

Forcing himself to his feet, he ran from the room, with a struggling Rukia and Renji on his heels. With the might of Kurosaki bearing down on them, Byakuya had no doubt that most of Gotei 13 would be feeling the turmoil raging within Kurosaki.

Setting his jaw and striding forwards, he threw the doors open to Kurosaki's guest room, praying that the inner hollow in the young man wouldn't manifest itself at such inopportune time. The hunched over figure of Kurosaki Ichigo disturbed him more than anything had in a long time. His eyes were hidden from sight by bright bangs, but Byakuya could see the way his fists were clenched in his lap, and the way his body was shaking with the force of his emotions. Beside him, his sword Zangatsu was pulsing, calling out to Ichigo, but the boy was too lost in his pain to take notice.

Byakuya doubted whether or not Kurosaki was even aware of what he was doing. Frowning, Byakura moved forwards and knelt before the fearsome person before him. He grasped a broad shoulder and raised Kurosaki's chin. His brown eyes stared forwards unseeingly. It wouldn't do to have him destroy the Kuchiki mansion. Setting his resolve, Byakuya drew back his hand and backhanded Ichigo across the face.

Ichigo's head snapped backwards with the force, but the reiatsu pressing down on them disappeared instantly. He felt slightly guilty for attacking him so when he was obviously suffering, but he couldn't very well let him tear soul society down around their ears.

Ichigo was blinking in confusion, but Byakuya was looking down at Ichigo's chest. Angry red scars marred the tanned skin, crisscrossing over the faded ones he had received during his battles within soul society. He frowned at them, confused.

Everyone who had died violent deaths bore similar scars when they first arrived in Soul Society; it was a symbol of the violence of their deaths and the way in which their souls had been forced from their bodies before they died naturally.

Byakuya once had similar scars. But within a day or so of arriving, everyone's scars always disappeared. Yet, Kurosaki's remained. Was it a testament to just how violently Kurosaki had died? Or was there another reason? There were rumors within soul society about the nature of Ichigo's death; many wondered how one so strong could die when at the height of his powers. Amongst the captains, however, there was speculation that Aizen could be behind the cruel slaughter. Byakuya had doubts himself, and wondered if Ichigo's scars were somehow connected.

Shaking his dark thoughts away, Byakuya released Ichigo's shoulders and moved away slightly, contemplating him. Renji was hanging off the door frame, looking like he had just completed the longest race course in history. Rukia had crawled over to Kurosaki and was sitting at his side with obvious concern. Ichigo was staring at him, looking exhausted and somewhat feral.

"While you are within my house, Kurosaki Ichigo, I would ask that you try and control your powers to the best of your ability," Byakuya told him, standing up. "I don't want to have to resort to violence again to have you control yourself. While I invite you to make yourself as comfortable as possible in my residence, I ask that you try to the best of your ability to maintain the peace."

Hardening his resolve and determined not to look into the tortured eyes of Kurosaki Ichigo, lest he do something he'd regret later, Byakuya stood up and left the room briskly, passing Renji as he straightened. When he was out of sight of Rukia and Ichigo, he paused, speaking so that only his lieutenant could hear.

"Make sure he's under control and that he understands the situation before you return to your post, Abarai. We can't afford to let our guard down at this point of time."

"Yes, Captain Kuchiki."

Byakuya nodded and left, his footsteps echoing in the silence of the hallway.

- - - - - - - - -

Rukia and Renji were looking at him. Ichigo couldn't stand to meet their eyes and see all their pity. He didn't want or deserve it because he had bought this on himself.

His cheek still stung from where Kuchiki Byakuya had hit him. The truth was, he hadn't even realised that he had been losing control and he was glad that the 6th Division Captain had been there to stop him. A tiny part of him wished that he could have destroyed the whole place, and watched it burn down around him. It would be a reflection of what he felt inside. He felt empty. Where everything that made him who he was had once resided, now there was only his rage, his ground shaking sorrow, and an overwhelming guilt. He was still trying to believe that it had happened at all. But the maelstrom of wild emotions within him told him that it was really happening. Reality and illusion held no meaning for him anymore.

"Ichigo..." Rukia murmured beside him.

"What?" he asked, more harshly than he intended. He looked up at her, and froze when he saw her tears.

"I...I'm so sorry, Ichigo!" She whispered, trying to stifle her sobs as she wrapped her arms around him. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe from the crushing weight pressing down on his chest. She buried her head in his chest and he turned his face away, closing his eyes against the gut wrenching truths that were glaring him in the face.

"What are you sorry for, baka?" he asked hoarsely. "Unless you were the one who...you've got nothing to apologize for."

She was still crying though. Crying for him, and he felt as if the guilt and pain would tear him in half. He didn't deserve her tears. He didn't deserve anything anymore.

"I'm sorry, I just...I'm going to miss them. I never wanted any of you to die," she shuddered against him, and he clenched his fist in the black fabric of her uniform, dry eyed.

"Stop crying now, Rukia." he mumbled.

He sensed when Renji moved forward. The lieutenant was watching quietly, and hadn't said anything yet, but when he cleared his throat Ichigo looked up at him, feeling worn out and transparent. He just wanted to lie down and escape into the oblivion of sleep and never wake up. He was so very tired.

"Hey...Ichigo. If there's anything you need..."

Ichigo shook his head wordlessly and looked away. He wished that Rukia would let him go. He wanted to be alone. Ichigo had never dealt with loss well; he had learned that after the death of his mother. Sometimes his emotions just overwhelmed him. He just got so angry, at himself, at the world in general because he'd never been able to understand either. He always took it out on others, however unintentionally, and he didn't want that to happen now. There was no way he could push away the only people he had left to rely on.

Renji seemed to sense what was wrong however, and moved forward to carefully pry Rukia away from him. He wrapped his arms around a still sobbing Rukia and they stood up in unison.

"You're safe here, Ichigo. Captain Kuchiki will make sure of it."

With that, he was alone. Ichigo lay back down, trying to remember how to breathe as he stared at the plain ceiling above him.

What was he supposed to do with himself now?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He was unsure of how long he slept after that. Ichigo could remember drifting in and out of sleep, and hearing soft voices talking around him. He was vaguely aware of the strong presence of Kuchiki Byakuya moving about, but he ignored it, and endeavoured to lose himself in the realm of sleep.

Sometimes he had nightmares that he couldn't quite grasp. The sense of fear and unease remained with him as he dreamed of blood and that scared him more than anything else.

Other times he remained dreamless, floating along the tides of sleep as they dragged him where they would.

Once he was fully awake, however, he knew that he didn't want to be. Life after death sucked. It was just like living all over again. The same memories and mistakes that you had to live with, all the flaws that he hated about himself, it was all still there.

He was in the same bed, the same room, and he stared dully up at the ceiling above him before becoming aware of another presence in the room. Turning his head, he started when he saw Kuchiki Byakuya sitting several feet away, with a small writing desk balanced on his lap. He was writing something with ink and a small brush, his hand flowing smoothly and with a grace that mystified Ichigo.

Swallowing, he looked away, remembering again why he was stuck in the captain's residence to begin with. His heart and stomach ached anew, and the presence of Byakuya reminded him yet again of just how alien the whole situation was.

"I see that you're awake at last, Kurosaki Ichigo," Byakuya said in that deep smooth voice that flowed just as easily as his hand did when he wrote.

"It would seem so," he replied, dully. He was tired once more, too tired to play the mental warfare games that were always involved when talking to the enigmatic captain.

"You've been asleep for nearly four days." Byakuya informed him. "Perhaps it is time to consider getting up and facing your problems."

Ichigo said nothing, and tried not to flinch as the Captain carefully set aside the desk and rested his hands serenely on his knees. The grace and calm that the man extruded angered Ichigo for some reason, and he shuttered himself off, trying to not let it affect him. He couldn't help but feel wary and a little bitter towards the Captain. The words that had been cast between them during the several battles they had fought against each other refreshed themselves within his mind, cutting so much deeper than they had before. Inwardly, he started to agree with them; he wasn't worthy, wouldn't ever be good enough to protect the people that mattered to him. He was worthless, lower than trash. He could go on but the thought was just too depressing to bear.

Ichigo closed his eyes again and wished for the umpteenth time that he could disappear entirely.

"I know what it's like to lose people you love," Byakuya said eventually.

Ichigo kept his eyes closed so he wouldn't show how surprised he was at this confession from the normally reserved Captain.

"I won't tell you to try and ignore the pain you feel and I won't tell you that it will all work out, because there is no way I can guarantee that. But I will tell you that closing yourself off from the people around you, and from the world is a mistake. It will only make things worse for you," Byakuya said slowly.

Now Ichigo opened his eyes to glare at him.

"How could things possibly get any worse?" he snapped. "I'm dead. My family is all dead. And it's my fault. How could it get worse?"

Byakuya regarded him calmly, not reacting to his outburst in the slightest.

"Were you the one who wielded the blade that killed them?"

"What the fuck has that got to do with anything?" Ichigo demanded angrily.

"Were you the one who wielded the blade?" Byakuya repeated the question, not even raising his voice.

"No, but..."

"Then you are not responsible. Nor are you responsible for the actions of another. The sooner you accept that, the soon you can learn how to heal yourself."

Ichigo didn't have the first clue how to respond to this different Kuchiki Byakuya. He was gobsmacked, and resentful at the same time, and as a result he could think of nothing to say. Byakuya solved the issue for him though. The captain unfolded his body and got to his feet. Ichigo had never really realised just how tall the man was until that moment.

"But I can't tell you how to deal with your grief," Byakuya told him. "The final decision is up to you. However, the other captains and the central room are deciding what position you will have here as we speak. I suggest that you get up and move around. It will help with the stiffness you are feeling."

And with that, the Captain left Ichigo staring in his wake. He was lost. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to be a death god anymore. It had bought him nothing but trouble so far. Nothing but frustration, pain and suffering and he wasn't sure if he could deal with it all again. No, he didn't want their condolences, and he certainly didn't want a position on their precious ranking system.

_I know you see right through me, my luminescence fades_

_The dusk provides an antidote, I am not afraid_

_I've been a million times in my mind and this is really just a _

_Technicality, frailty, reality_

TBC


	3. Regret

**Disclaimer:**_The characters and concepts of Bleach, along with song lyrics used, belong to their original creators, and not me. I make no profit from this fictional work. Storyline and character development detailed within this belong to me._

**Warnings: **Yaoi (Byakuya x Ichigo), Angst and swearing

**Author's Note:** _Sorry for the delay in posting this. Inspiration for this particular story is slow but don't fear, I will continue! This is rather a short chapter, but I hope you will enjoy it anyway._

_Song lyrics used are from 'Crashing Down' by Matt Kearney._

* * *

Part Two: _Regret_

_What am I doing here  
If you're not with me?  
What have I got to live for, if it's just my own dream  
Take it back to the beginning, back to the start  
When gravity's pulling, you're still holding my heart  
You come crashing down  
Crashing down_

_- _

Sakura blossoms filled the air with their alluring scent as they spiraled down to come to rest on the ground. A cool breeze sent another avalanche of petals to rain down around him as he watched. The Kuchiki compound, or estate, or whatever it was called had several beautiful landscaped gardens, but there was something false about their beauty. Much like many from the Kuchiki clan, there was something that was just too...untouchable about them, and that set him at odds with the entire place, made him feel like he was a prisoner within its walls, and an unwanted outsider.

Ichigo knew that he didn't belong there. After all, he was just a commoner, a lowly, poor commoner, a freak with powers equal to that of the centuries old Captains, but a commoner none the less and he doubted that he would ever be anything more in the eyes of the Kuchiki clan.

He watched the coy as they swam lazily about underneath the smooth surface of the pond. The Captain had disappeared a couple of hours ago, and there was no one else about. Or maybe there was, but they didn't want to be caught in the company of one so unclean.

Ichigo breathed deeply, frowned at the tightness in his chest and how hard it was to draw air before he raised a hand to his chest. The scars were there still, angry and red, a crisscrossing of lines that marred the smooth surface of his chest and a dark reflection of the taint staining his soul.

A Sakura blossom floated down to and on his knee, and he stared for a moment before touching it with his finger tip.

Yuzu had loved Sakura blossoms. When she had been a little younger, he would take her and Karen to the park down the street just so she could run laughing across the grass with her arms stretched out as those petals danced around her. It hadn't taken long for Karen to join in. Ichigo had just sat down and watched them as he was consumed by thoughts of his mum and how she would smile if she could see them.

Yuzu had been so much like her. Karen was a strange mix between her and his father. And he, well, supposedly he had once been happy and carefree as Yuzu had been before...well, before.

Ichigo wondered where they were, and if they were together. He doubted it though. Someone had told him once, he couldn't remember who, that it was near impossible to find family once in soul society, so people made their own, which was just another blow to an already battered heart.

He hadn't seen any of the people he knew in Soul society, except Rukia and Renji, and Byakuya of course, but he supposed that was no surprise. They were giving him space, he guessed, or some such crap. Space. How was having space going to make any of it better?

It wasn't ever going to be okay, he realized. Not when they were gone. He had put everything he had into becoming better to protect them, and it had brought him nothing but disaster. If he had been smarter, then maybe he would have seen it coming. If he had been stronger, then maybe he wouldn't have gone down so easily.

Ichigo got to his feet and looked down at his Death God clothes with distaste. While comfortable and loose, he would have given anything for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. But his uniform was all he had available to wear, even if he didn't chose to be a death god. Zangatsu was resting against a pole nearby, and as soon as his hand closed over the hilt, he felt a rush of anger and hatred.

Suddenly he couldn't bear to be caged in any longer, kept a prisoner by his own failure and the expectations of those around him. Before he was even really thinking, Ichigo was flying over the roof tops, his hand clenched painfully tight over Zangatsu's hilt.

He didn't even know where he was going, or what he was going to do. All he knew was that he was furious, with himself and everything around him, and he needed to punish someone. Maybe even himself. After all, atonement was only granted to those who worked for it, right?

- - - - - - - - - - -

_He wasn't wrong about him, _Byakuya told himself. _He wasn't. _

He couldn't be now. Not after just having convinced the majority of the Gotei 13 that Ichigo would be a valuable asset in defeating their elusive enemies. In fact, by his thinking, they wouldn't be able to win without the young Death Gods power.

The problem was convincing Ichigo to let all of his anger go and look at the bigger picture. It wasn't an easy thing to do. Hell, Byakuya was dead. He knew exactly what it was like to try and deal with the shock of dying. But Ichigo was a hell of a lot younger than he was, and had an entirely different temperament to boot. Not to mention the fact that the circumstances of their own respective deaths were vastly different.

God, he hoped that Ichigo wouldn't be one of the ones who self destructed. He had seen it before; Death Gods, men and women who were stronger than most but became consumed within their own tragedies. Some became hollows, or rogue death gods. Others...well, they died in one way or another, never to return. It wasn't a common occurrence, but it still happened.

The suddenness of Ichigo's death was probably more of a shock that anything else. Not to mention that it really was a tragedy, what had happened to his family. Not even Byakuya could deny that. And he wasn't one who was prone to sympathetic indulgences.

He had had the misfortune of running into Rukia earlier on. While he cared for her in a strange, family related way, he didn't think he could stand to be within her presence for more than a few minutes. The girl was consumed with some kind of guilt for what had happened to Ichigo, and had sunk into a downward spiral.

Byakuya didn't have the time or patience to deal with her. He had turned her over to Renji as gently as he could, not wanting to seem like he didn't care. After all, Renji would be able to sort her out with no trouble and she had plenty of friends to listen to her. Byakuya had been rushed off his feet, dealing with paperwork and sitting in on meetings with other captains in the hopes that he could help uncover the mysterious circumstances of the murders. He had vouched for Ichigo with a confidence he wasn't sure he felt. He had his doubts, but he needed to believe that something good could come out of the entire mess.

Byakuya knew that his word was heavily weighted within the tight circle of Captains, and for once he was truly grateful for the fact.

The man he had assigned to keep an eye on Ichigo was no where in sight when Byakuya searched around the Kuchiki Compound. Frustrated, he could see no signs of Ichigo either, which meant that he had taken off for some unknown destination. Byakuya wanted to keep Ichigo close so he could keep an eye on him. Who knew what kind of trouble that boy was likely to get himself into, especially in the emotional state he was likely in. It wasn't often that Byakuya had to deal with teenagers, so he hadn't the faintest idea how to deal with one. His own memories of his teenage years were so very distant that only the major events stood out in any great detail. And none of that had anything to do with fluctuating mood swings or whatever it was they were referring to it as. Hormones?

Well, it wouldn't do to let the boy run around as he chose. No, Byakuya obviously needed to keep a closer eye on this one.

- - - - - - - - - -

Ichigo's chest was heaving with effort and he was ashamed at his poorly state. He hadn't even been fighting for long, and he could barely breathe. Which was bad enough, but summoning power was like trying to draw blood from stone. It did nothing to dissolve his raw anger, and only served to throw him further into turmoil.

It was pointless. How could they expect him to become a Death God again when he could barely do..._anything? _

Glaring furiously, Ichigo hurled Zangatsu away from him, not feeling the slightest hint of satisfaction as the mighty sword was buried within a rock face fifty feet away. Zangatzu had been silent, not offering any advice or help in the slightly. So much for working as a team. So much for combining their powers.

"Useless," he growled to himself.

Urahara had taught him how to meditate and focus his power on one thing. He had tried it before he attempted to train and it hadn't gotten him anywhere.

"Getting angry at your soul slayer won't solve your problems," a calm, familiar voice announced from behind him.

Ichigo turned slightly, glaring at the imposing form of Kuchiki Byakuya.

"When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it," he snapped. "What do you want?"

Byakuya tilted his head in that infuriating way as he looked steadily at him for a long moment before drifting closer.

"I've had men demoted for such insolence in the past," the man said casually as he moved over to where Zangatsu was. The captain touched a finger to the still quivering blade.

"Lucky for me I'm not under your command then," he growled in reply. "Why are you here?"

Those still gray eyes turned to him once more, and Ichigo was struck by just how steady they were. Still, like a frozen lake in winter. That skin was as pale as fresh, clean snow, but that hair was the inky black of midnight.

Broad shoulders tapered down to a slim waist and hips, and while Byakuya was taller than most men he knew, Ichigo wasn't that much shorter. He was just as broad of the shoulders and chest, if not more so, and he wondered for the briefest of moments who would win if it came down to a match of brute strength.

Byakuya's fighting style was a reflection of his eyes; dignity and elegance the perfect cover for a deadly violence that hid beneath. Much like the way the calm surface of a lake deceived an ignorant watcher to the dangers below.

Ichigo was becoming more adept at reading hidden intentions, and a lot more adept at recognizing souls as jaded as his own was becoming.

"Get your fight down, Ichigo. You don't need to raise your hackles like a dog whenever I'm near. I'm not looking for a fight."

"Then what are you looking for? Trying to keep me company? Offer me platitudes and advice?" Ichigo asked cynically. "I don't need either. I need you to leave me alone."

"I see you are having trouble with summoning your spirit force then."

"Answer my question, damn it!"

"I'm not here to coddle you if that's what you're worried about. I'm here to inform you of the decision of the Gotei 13."

Ichigo immediately tensed up, having a faint idea of where the conversation was headed already. Scowling, he stalked over to where Zangatzu was buried and yanked him free. Byakuya merely watched him without moving. Something in Ichigo was raging at him, wanting to smack the pretty right off his face, to shake that cool exterior and see him rattled and taken by surprise. It was almost as strong as his desire to get away from Soul Society all together, and he wasn't sure yet if he was going to fight or run.

Byakuya, seeing that he wasn't going to say anything, decided to continue on with what he was saying.

"They've decided to make you a substitute Captain."

"They've what?" Ichigo half laughed, unable to believe they'd come up with such a lame assed position and title. It was a bit predictable though, and he really shouldn't have been as surprised as he was. "Until they find someone more suitable?"

"I doubt that anyone as strong as you will come along," Byakuya replied dryly. "It's only substitute until you've proven that you're worthy of the title and are able to carry the responsibilities. Once you've done that you'll be made a full Captain with all the appropriate titles and rights."

"Well that's all very good, but you can tell them that I refuse," Ichigo told him as he re-wrapped Zangatzu carefully. Even if his supposed partner wasn't helping him in anyway, that didn't mean that he'd abuse his blade out of spite.

"You what?"

Ichigo could feel the drop in temperature, and the slight pressing of reiatsu around him but he paid it no heed. It did nothing to help the tightness in his chest that he was feeling, but he did his best to ignore the pain and concentrate on the conversation, as much as he disliked talking to Byakuya.

"You can tell them that I don't want their stupid position. I've had enough, Byakuya. I want nothing to do with this fucking place, and I want nothing to do with you. So get the fuck out and leave me the fuck alone. Tell them whatever you like. But I won't accept."

Ichigo turned to face Byakuya, struggling to keep a rein on the anger that was rising within him. He felt too hot, and he knew he was trembling with rage, but Byakuya had a way of bringing out the worst of him and anger seemed to be the only thing he had been able to feel recently.

"That's not possible."

"Not possible? You're going to _force _me to do this? I can't even summon any spirit force, and you want me to lead a full squad of men? You want me to do this after you all sat here and let my family get murdered?"

"Your spirit force will stabilize once your emotions do and you fully adjust to Soul Society," Byakuya replied evenly. "As for the other matter of which you speak...it was no ones fault, except the culprits. And I can assure you that our Investigative forces as doing all that they are able to find that person."

"That person?" Ichigo stilled, staring at him with dread curling in his gut. "You know who it is?"

"I didn't say that," Byakuya didn't even blink as eye.

"But you know _something _don't you?" Ichigo persisted, his anger forgotten for the moment and replaced by a urgent need for information. "You know who's responsible don't you?"

"That's classified information that even I don't have access to as of yet. And even if I did, do you really think that I'd tell it to you in the state you're in?"

Those dark gray eyes had a hint of glare to them now, and Ichigo found his temper rising faster than he'd ever thought possible.

"You're lying. You know something, and you'll tell me what it is even if I have to beat it out of you." Ichigo ground out, barely noticing that the bandages were falling away from Zangatzu, and that his clothes were rustling as his reiatsu began to stir.

"I refuse to fight with you. Your reiatsu is too unstable and I won't risk putting others in danger because of your own stupidity."

"Consideration? From Kuchiki Byakuya? Don't make me laugh."

Ichigo was starting to feel a little hysterical, his head swimming and his vision blurring as he felt his reiatsu burn throughout his body, running unchecked through his veins and sending sparks of pain shooting to his chest. He could barely breathe anymore, and his chest was heaving for oxygen. Byakuya swayed before him, and he collapsed to his knees as his reiatsu faltered and drained away, leaving only the pain as a reminder.

"Ichigo?"

All of a sudden, Byakuya was there, kneeling beside him, his presence sending warning bells ringing in Ichigos head even as he began to hyperventilate. He scrambled away and lost his balance. He would have collapsed to the ground completely if Byakuya hadn't been there to catch him. Before he knew it, he was pulled swiftly into the Captain's arms so they were pressed chest to chest.

"You need to breathe, Ichigo. Just concentrate on my breathing and try to match it with your own."

Byakuya's deep voice seemed to echo within his ears but he couldn't make sense of a single word. All the could feel was the burning of his lungs as they struggled for air and the incredible heat the Captain extruded enveloping him and making it even harder to breathe.

The last thing he registered before he passed out was warm, silken lips pressing against his own.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Byakuya looked down at the unconscious man in his arms and sighed.

"Damn," he swore softly.

What was he supposed to do with him? He hadn't meant to stir him up so, but Ichigo could get riled up at the slightest provocation lately, and it reminded Byakuya of walking over a semi frozen lake. One was never quite sure where to put ones feet, in fear of cracking the ice and getting swallowed by the freezing water below. He hadn't imagined the situation would get out of hand so quickly, and it proved just how far gone Ichigo was within his own grief.

The unstable reiatsu was another sign. Ichigo was losing it, and losing it fast and he had no idea of how to help him. When he himself had lost everything he had held dear, he had survived by sticking to the rules and strict customs of one born to nobility. Ichigo was nothing like him in any respect.

And just what, exactly had possessed him to kiss Ichigo?

Logically, it was the foolish notion that the shock of it would snap Ichigo out of his dangerous rage and maybe in another reality it would have worked. But Ichigo had passed out before it had had the desired effect and he had found himself pressed lip to lip with the one person he never would have thought possible.

A small part of him wondered how Ichigo would react if he remembered the kiss, but he stubbornly pushed it aside. He could pass it off as a lapse of judgment and let it rest at that.

With another weary sigh, he looked down at the still face and wondered exactly what he was going to do. His reputation, hell, his Captain's badge was at stake because of the mess he had found himself embroiled in, but he knew he couldn't push Ichigo to toe the line just because of that. Not only would it be cruel of him, it wouldn't be right. So, his best bet was to help Ichigo find his feet and start to help himself.

Whether he wanted his help or not.

_These back steps are steeper to the ground  
The brightest stars are falling down  
I'm walking the edge, walking the tightest rope  
We can be frank, reality rips on through, rolling like a hurricane  
I'm over the bridge and under the rain_

TBC


End file.
